Find the Write Mind

Yes, I concede, the title is a bit misleading. I am not saying that my writing is wonderful, leaping from fingers to keyboard with ease, dazzling its way onto the screen, ready for a swarm of agents to fight over such a prized piece of perfection.

I am saying that sometimes I cannot write anything at all because I fear it’ll be terrible. And writing that sucks is better than no writing at all.

I am not exactly sure of the source of my dread nor how to overcome it fully but I will make a few guesses and pose some actions.

My upbringing was definitely a training in predictability, like a programmer’s ‘if-then’ statement. Go to school, stay out of trouble, believe in God and I will have a well-paying job I like, a good marriage and a belief in God. Writing in no way whatsoever fits into this paradigm. There has not yet been a day when the result of the time I put into writing for a day was what I had planned in my mind when I first sat down. It’s more like jumping off a cliff and planning to grasp a branch on the way down, or what looks like a branch from up here. Some days it’s just the fall.

Delayed gratification is not at the top of my favorites list. I like now - getting things now, having my results now, being in the now. So for days on end I pile together strings of words, phrases which seem to barely pass as the English language, unable to receive the reward of praise, publication or pay. And being a beginner in the field, those results may be years off…if ever.

It’s embarrassing to admit that my mental critic succeeds in berating me all to often. The two conditions mentioned above provide the perfect groundwork for the attack, the malicious suggestion that I should ‘give up’ and move back to goals that have predictable, very short paths to them.

What do I do now?

I need to put in the time on a regular basis. For example, this morning’s span was spent, for the most part, staring at my computer screen and turning certain story components over and over in my mind, only producing half a page before it was time to head to work. Even so, the thought pattern and conclusion I came to regarding one character’s role is extremely valuable. So for me the time is important, regardless of word count.

I also need community. I need voices that encourage me to write. I need fellow artists who share their own creative journey. I need to hear other stories of struggle, failure and success. I need those people and their presence to overwhelm the critic within. So I am currently in the process of inviting select people into my process (this is one of those ways) and also investigating other avenues to connect with other writers.

My hope is that I will write and that my writing will suck. And that will be okay, because we all know there’s still editing to do.

~ Kirk

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